


A Man Like Me is Dead in Places Other Men feel Liberated

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 05:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5362334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes he wished he could go back to when it was all as simple as pontificating over a fictional relationship and not trying to navigate a real one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Man Like Me is Dead in Places Other Men feel Liberated

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the Elton John song, I Want Love, and is so appropriate it almost makes me cry.

Trevor walked over to the door and looked out the peephole. He sighed, thought about not opening it at all. He wasn’t quite in the mood tonight. Wasn’t in the mood for the banter and wasn’t in the mood to take the high road. Muttering to himself about being an idiot, he opened the door.

“Please don’t tell me that you lost your key. I don’t want to pay to have all the locks changed.”

“It’s in my pocket.” Rafael said. “I thought it would be rude to just walk in.”

“You would be correct.” He nodded.

“I bought you something.”

“I don’t want anything, Rafael. Well that’s not true but I don’t want some gift that supposedly is going to smooth everything over.”

“I got you Godiva.” Rafael tried to hide his smile as he took the box of dessert truffles from behind his back. Was it fair to throw one of Trevor’s major weaknesses in his face? Of course it wasn’t. Would it get him through the door, which Trevor seemed to be guarding like the gatekeeper in _The Wizard of Oz_? Most likely.

“You son of a bitch.” Trevor said through clenched teeth. He reached out and grabbed the box but continued to block the way inside. “This changes nothing.”

“Can I come in?”

“I'm mad at you.”

“I know, baby, I know.” Rafael ran his hand over his face. “You have every right to be. Can we just talk?”

“I don’t wanna talk.”

“Can I just talk? Please.”

Trevor sighed. He wanted to close the door and just eat the chocolate. He had been so angry all night, had to go to the banquet, make nice with colleagues while he seethed on the inside. But more than angry, Trevor was sad. And when he was sad he retreated inside of himself. 

Company probably wasn’t the best idea. It was strange to suddenly call the man who slept there at least three nights a week company. If Rafael said or did the wrong thing this could be one of the biggest fights they ever had. Letting it fester probably wasn’t the best idea either. The wound was still fresh though…now was not the time.

“You can come in,” he moved out of the way. “But I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to listen either.”

“What do you want to do then?” Rafael asked as he walked in and closed the door behind him.

“I'm going into my bedroom to eat this chocolate. You can make sure I don’t eat the entire box.”

Rafael nodded and followed him into the bedroom. Trevor had answered the door shirtless. He was frequently shirtless at home, as if clothes bothered him somehow. He'd walk around shirtless, barefoot, in boxers or sweats or pajama pants. This never bothered Rafael, the view from the top of Trevor’s head to the bottom of his feet was sexy. 

There were times when Rafael just caught himself staring, almost breathless. Not many people were a work of art in his eyes. Trevor Langan was a work of art. He had a long, lean, well sculptured body. His suits were nice, not as nice as Rafael’s, but they didn’t always show the perfection underneath. How amazing that he could explore that body with his eyes and his hands and his mouth.

“Close your mouth, Rafi.”

“I'm sorry?” Rafael came out of his thoughts. He was standing in the middle of the bedroom floor. Trevor was sitting on the bed, had already turned on the television and muted it. Rafael had no idea how long he'd been standing there.

“Close your mouth before something flies in.” Trevor leaned back on the pillows and started flipping channels. 

Not quite sure what to do, Rafael took off his windbreaker and put it over the chair. He’d gone home that evening, after Trevor threw him out, so he was wearing jeans and a long sleeved Harvard tee. He kicked off his sneakers and joined his boyfriend on the bed. It looked like Trevor had settled on _Law and Order_. He was fond of saying that Sam Waterston could fix any problem. 

Rafael didn’t think that was going to be the case tonight. This looked like it was an older episode, maybe Claire Kincaid was in it. How many nights had they sat and watched those Season 5 and 6 episodes, breaking down every nuance and talking point on Jack and Claire’s relationship? As silly as it sounded, Rafael fell in love with Trevor over the course of those many nights, before they ever made love or decided that this was a real thing. Sometimes he wished he could go back to when it was all as simple as pontificating over a fictional relationship and not trying to navigate a real one.

“I wish I could say what I needed to say without sounding like an asshole.” Rafael said.

“You said all you needed to earlier.” Trevor barely looked at him as he opened up the chocolates. 

A glass of Riesling would go perfect with these. He got up from the bed and walked out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a large glass of wine. Handing Rafael a scotch, he put the wine on the nightstand and got back into bed.

“The things I said earlier, Trevor, I think everything came out wrong.”

“I heard you loud and clear…you don’t want to be seen in public with me.”

“That isn't what I said.” Rafael shook his head.

“That is what you said.” Trevor looked at him. “I told you a long time ago that I'm not a dirty little secret. This banquet was important to me. I wanted to share the moment with you.”

“I don’t think of you as a dirty secret and you know it. This is difficult for me.”

“We've been together for nine months, Rafi. What's difficult?”

“I've spent my entire life pushing my sexuality down so damn deep that most of the time I can't even touch it. It was so easy and so hard to fall in love with you. I want to be in love with you; I am in love with you. You're not a secret. I just don’t know how to be out. I wish I did because I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t.”

Trevor nodded, remembering now why he told Rafael that he didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to start crying. He was in love with Rafael and knew that when he responded in kind that it was the truth. That didn’t make the relationship easy. 

If Rafael was out, or at least more comfortable in his sexuality, Trevor could easily say this was the best relationship he'd had in a long time. They laughed, loved, shared, and were making a little niche in the world for this thing they created. But there was always an elephant in the niche. It was taking up so much space that they hardly fit anymore.

“Tell me what you're thinking.” Trevor said. “Don’t hold back but don’t be a lawyer about it. I want to know, in one sentence what you're thinking Rafi.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” He replied.

“I'm right here.”

“Today.”

“Well tomorrow is Saturday so I'm going to be here then too.”

“This isn't funny Trevor.”

“No it’s not. But my joke was, you can admit it. I’ll wait.”

Rafael smiled in spite of how sick to his stomach he felt. He reached for Trevor’s hand, first holding it to his lips and then to his heart. There was a fear deep inside of him that he would never be able to have a relationship with a man. Being attracted to them was one thing, maybe a lot more men were attracted to men than ever spoke it aloud. Sleeping with them occasionally as long as it was safe and consensual was totally possible if that was your thing. 

Relationships were an entirely different beast. It had been hammered into Rafael’s head since he was a little boy that men fell in love with women. If you were one of those deviants who didn’t, bad things were going to happen to you. Rafael was also attracted to women…he could live safely if he wanted to. There were a lot of women in Manhattan, and Brooklyn where he worked, but in the few minutes a day he could find to daydream, he only thought about Trevor. 

“I've waited long enough.” Trevor said. “Tell me that my joke was funny.”

“It was funny. And I'm not just saying that to get back in your good graces.”

“Do you want a truffle?” Trevor held out the box.

Rafael loved truffles but he didn’t want anything that would distort the taste of his scotch. He shook his head, knowing it was useless to ask Trevor to save one for him. Those truffles were as good as gone the moment his lover opened the box. In nine months they'd had two big fights and both times Rafael used truffles to get back through the door.

“I’ll save you one. I know you don’t want it to ruin the taste of your scotch.”

“Are you serious?” Rafael asked.

“Yes, I'm serious…why wouldn’t I be serious?”

“I was thinking what you just said. Literally, in my head, at this moment, I was thinking what you just said.”

“I'm not a psychic, Rafi. It was just a coincidence.” Trevor said.

“I don’t really believe in coincidences.”

“OK, well we’ll talk about it later because Jack will be on after the commercial break and I want to give him my undivided attention.”

Rafael nodded. He watched Trevor try to relax, they were both tense and it showed. He took his glass of Riesling, ate a birthday cake truffle, and took a deep breath. When the show came back on Jack McCoy was on the screen. Claire Kincaid was right next to him and they were talking to Adam Schiff.

“I knew it.” Trevor said. “I can name the season of _Law and Order_ within the first 45 seconds. I knew it was going to be Jack and Claire.”

“I think this is the one where Jack tells her that he hopes she would when they mention something about a woman telling a man that she had another man on the side.” Rafael said.

“And it was so clear he was talking about himself. Anyone in their right mind could see it.”

“I love the desperation in his voice in that scene.” Rafael scooted closer to Trevor on the bed. “He's like ‘oh my god, if there was someone else you better tell me’.”

“And Claire looks at him the way she always looks at him.” Trevor said.

“Yeah, she does. It’s the ‘shut up you idiot, despite everything I love you’ look.”

“I know that one all too well.”

Sighing, Rafael leaned and kissed Trevor’s temple. He didn’t know if this was over. He knew that Trevor was upset and had a right to be. Rafael didn’t want to fight…he wanted everything to be OK. He really wanted things to be easy but that was unrealistic. That was another lie put upon him by society. 

If you loved each other and it was right, so often it would be easy. Hard times would come but it would never be hard to love each other. Or whatever. Loving Trevor was easy. Letting himself love Trevor, wholly and without the shackles of all the shit life put him through, was nearly impossible. Rafael was too old to be so out of sorts.

“Me amas? (1)” he whispered in Trevor’s ear. His chin rested on Trevor’s shoulder.

“Hago. (2)” Trevor replied.

“Te quiero tambien. (3)”

“I know.” He turned, smiled at Rafael, and kissed his lips. “Now shush, Jack is on.”

He hadn’t forgiven him, it wasn’t going to be that easy. Rafael deserted him tonight; left him out there on his own when they should’ve been together. There were so many things for Trevor and Rafael to discuss about this situation. One of the biggest was just where this relationship was going to go if Rafael didn’t want to fully come out of the closet. Trevor was comfortable being bisexual. 

His family was comfortable enough and so were the people in his life. It wasn’t something he hid or felt the need to be quiet about. Thus far in his life it had made nothing unattainable. He knew that he was lucky and being a white male had a lot to do with that. Rafael wasn’t a white male. 

He had ethnic, cultural, and societal shit on his back that Trevor could only imagine. He sympathized because he loved Rafael, truly loved him. That didn’t mean this was going to work out for them. If Trevor wanted that love to remain, and possibly morph into friendship or at least not bitter hate, it might be better to get out sooner rather than later. A conversation like that would be very difficult to have. He might have to swallow it down with his truffles and think of how to get at this from another angle.

***

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Do you love me?  
> 2) I do.  
> 3) I love you too.


End file.
